Transformations
by Elizabeth Theresa
Summary: Beth reflects on the effects of Kevin's accident
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: If you think I own Joan of Arcadia you need to get the season 1 DVD and look at the credits. My name is not on there, consiquently I do not own the show or the characters.

A/N: This is my first post ever, and I know it's confusing. There could be more chapters, though I haven't really figured this whole thing out yet. I'm learning though, and reviews help me learn.

I had it all. Okay, so that's not quite true. I was, and still would be, the first person to say that our relationship was far from perfect. Kevin wasn't always, shall we say, faithful. But in general, I had it all.

I was a senior in high school, we both were. I was doing well as far as my peers were concerned. I was popular, smart, and I had a gorgeous boyfriend who was one of the most popular athletes in the school. I was a cliche of the high school girl, complaining to my friends when things weren't exactly my way. I had the typical high school fantasies, going off to college with Kevin, growing up a little, and getting married, to Kevin. I had my ring all picked out in my head, something simple with a tiny diamond in the center. Nothing extravagant.

The party was dull, and my pride had been hurt. He had cheated, and he didn't seem to understand why it was such a big deal to me. That's why I left before Kevin. He was the center of attention, other girls hanging all over him. I wonder where they are now, what their reactions would be if they knew. But at the time I was gelious that Kevin seemed to be paying so much more attention to them, not enough to me. And so when Jenny McKinley asked me for a ride home I went without thinking. Kevin could get a ride with Andy. God, if I could do it differently…

Looking back on it I realize that my life was pretty care-free. Funny, now it's hard to imagine the girl I must have been back then. The girl he called "Bethie", the one who was worried about what others thought. I suppose "Bethie" is still somewhere hidden back there, but I don't know how to find her. And I don't know that I want to. I don't know that "Bethie" would be able to survive here, sitting with Joan and Luke while their parents try to find something out. "Bethie" would probably crumble.

Beth is another story. "Bethie" got the call on her phone and instantly transformed into "Beth. Beth drove to the hospital and sat in the car for a few minutes crying. And then Beth went into the guest bathroom at the hospital and washed the traces of tears away from her face and put on a little makeup, not out of vanity, because I don't care how I look right now, but out of habit. Then Beth opened the bathroom door and walked out and sat down in one of the hard plastic chairs next to Joan and Luke while their parents try to find out what happened. Beth notices that Joan is crying, and so I take Kevin's little sister into my arms and hold her like I know Kevin would be doing right now.

I'm thinking all of this when the Gerardies come out with a doctor, and when the words "Paralyzed from the waist down," come out of the doctor's mouth I know "Bethie" is gone forever.

A/N: Please review! Let me know if you want more, if this sucks, if you want to burn me alive. Just let me know!


	2. Difficult

Disclaimer: I'm still not Barbara Hall. I still don't own JoA. If I did it would still be on the air.

A/N: Review responses are at the bottom. Enjoy.

It's so hard. All that first night I sat by his bed, stroking his hand and whispering little nonsense words to him. I wouldn't have said that was easy at the time, but now I think it was a walk in the park compared to what I know I should do now. That first night they kept him so drugged up that he didn't wake up, so he didn't know I was there. And for this reason he couldn't yell at me, for leaving him at the party, for being jealous, for not being everything I could have been.

I know he's awake now, I've been getting calls from Helen and Joan to tell me how he's doing. I haven't been up to the hospital since he woke up though. They all tell me that I should go, that he would love to see me. I know they think I might be able to bring him out of the depression he's fallen into. They don't know that this is all my fault, that if it wasn't for me Kevin would be headed off to Arizona in the fall, not off to rehab.

Maybe Kevin doesn't remember, either. They've said he asks for me, and surely if he remembered that night he wouldn't want anything to do with me. But to find out would mean facing him, and I'm not sure I can do that.

A/N2: Wow, not even 24 hours and I have 3 reviews. They're not showing up on the site yet, but that's rather irrelevant if you ask me.

TJ-TeeJay: Thanks for my first review, along with the constructive crit! Sorry about the spelling, when I figure out how to change it without having to re-submit the whole story I'll do so. The site isn't exactly screen reader friendly.

bbplayer005: Thanks!

Iamaclogger: Thanks also for the spelling tip. Being nit-picky about that stuff is fantastic in my opinion, helps me get better.

To anyone else who's reading this, thanks and please review! You review my stuff I'll review yours, if you've written any. See, win/win situation.

Let me know if you have any more ideas for this, I only have one more chapter written so far.


	3. sleep

Disclaimer: Not mine, comprende?

A/N: Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter. You both rock! Here's the next, and last, chapter I have written. If anyone has ideas please let me know!

**Also, I'm looking for a beta for this story, and future JOA fics. Let me know in a review, and if you do please leave your email address. **

**Enjoy…**

---

I no longer sleep.

It's been almost a month since Kevin's accident, and still I haven't been up to see him while he's awake. At first I thought I was afraid of what he would say to me, but now I can tell that's (pardon my French) bullshit. I'm afraid, that's the honest truth, but it's not of whatever he might say to me. The longer I stay away the longer I can pretend that things haven't really changed. I can imagine that Kevin is just on vacation, or busy with school, or any of a million "normal" scenarios. The longer I stay away the longer I can deny that his normality, and consequently mine, has changed inalterably.

And I know that I am a wimp, that "Bethie" is shining through again, because I can't even bring myself to picture him in a wheelchair. At least not in my waking hours. At night I picture the accident as it must have happened, picture Kevin laying on the white hospital sheets, picture Kevin completely helpless in a wheelchair. And throughout all of these scenes there is the same ringing voice, echoing as though we are in a cave. "It's your fault, your fault, your fault, your fault…"

No, I do not sleep.

A/N2: Thanks Tj-TeeJay for the help on fixing stories. Sorry I haven't gotten around to it yet, I will.


	4. Relationships

A/N: I'm still looking for a beta for this and any future JOA stuff! I'd be happy to beta your work in return, email me at kea anderson cox. Net

**Without the spaces. **

Read and enjoy.

_Relationships_

I haven't spoken to Andy since that night, he hasn't spoken to me either. I

almost feel bad for him, the whole school blames him for what happened. No one thinks it's fair that he walked away from that car without a scratch and Kevin is lying on a hospital bed unable to move. Kevin had potential, Andy was just the tag-along. And yet it's Kevin who's life is ruined.

And yet as ostracized as Andy is from our classmates I am more the outsider. Granted it is mostly by choice, but the fact that I chose this doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I simply can't seem to force myself to care about who is wearing what, or who has broken up with who, or even the gossip about Kevin's condition. They all expect me to know, and no one understands why I haven't been up there to visit him yet. Andy hasn't been up there, either, but they all say that's because he feels so guilty. They can't imagine why I, Kevin's girlfriend, would possibly feel guilty.

Sometimes I see Joan in the hallways. She always walks alone now, her head up and her eyes staring at the tiled floor. She has always looked proud but she used to follow the pack. Now she walks alone, like I do, and the set of her shoulders shows her determination to get through this day. I think maybe I should walk with her, even if she is only a freshman, but I can't bring myself to do it. I know she would ask why I haven't been up to see her brother, just like the rest of the school, and I wouldn't be able to explain it to her any better than I can to any of the rest of my "friends". None of them know the entire story, not even Jenny McKinley. She knows I drove her home, but she doesn't know that I doomed Kevin to ride with Andy that night.

I know my parents are worried. I used to be very popular, out almost every night with a different group of friends. The phone used to ring off the hook, always for me, always with another invite to go somewhere.

For a while after the accident the phone still rang. But I never wanted to talk to anyone so usually I brushed whoever was on the other end of the line off. Eventually they stopped calling.

The school therapist tried to get me to talk to her. My parents agreed that I should talk to someone, but that woman didn't help me. She didn't know me. All she ever said was, "And how does that make you feel?" How does she think I feel?

'Well Mrs. Maraan, my boyfriend isn't ever going to walk again and it's mostly my fault. I don't know how to relate to my peers any more, and I haven't really slept in a month because of nightmares. I'm just peachy, thanks.'

I didn't really say that, I didn't really say much of anything. I answered her questions very politely, giving as little information as possible. Eventually she gave up. I don't think she would really have been able to help anyway.

**A/N2: Please review this and let me know how I'm doing! **


	5. Graduation

Disclaimer: Joan of Arcadia has been canceled, thus it doesn't belong to anyone. I am someone, so it isn't mine.

A/N: Sorry it has taken forever on this chapter. I know where I'm going, just not how to get there. But here it is.

Graduation

Today was graduation day. I didn't really want to go, but I couldn't bear to disappoint my parents again. They have waited a long time for this day, who am I to deny them the sight of me walking across the stage? I think I regret my decision.

When the man assigned to distribute the caps and gowns had made sure that everyone had one he announced that there were two left. Everyone turned to look at me, then one girl told the insensitive prat that one of our classmates had been in a car accident and wouldn't be attending. No one knew who the other cap and gown belonged to, that's how little notice people pay to Andy now. I don't know if they would have noticed before either, without Kevin Andy blended into the crowd.

Five minutes before graduation was supposed to start the principal pulled me aside. Apparently Kevin was supposed to receive this huge sports award and give a speech. Now that he was unavailable to do so the leader of our school, who you would think would have some sensitivity, wanted to know if I would except the award and speak for Kevin. I asked if Kevin's family had been offered this chance and he told me that it had been their idea in the first place. How was I supposed to say no after I found that out?

Most of the first part of the ceremony is a daze in my brain. I vaguely remember standing to offer thanks to "the great one", I guess that's what they're calling God in public school now, and after that there were speeches. The only thing that brought me out of the fog was the mention of Kevin's name and the fact that Samantha Swift, the girl sitting next to me, was pushing me out of my seat. "You have to go up and except the award and speak," she hissed as the audience and my classmates stared at me. I rose, shakily, and went up to the stage. I took the award in my left hand and shook the principal's hand with the other, then I turned to the microphone and just about went blank. The next couple of minutes are a blur, the next thing I remember is finishing up the speech with, "Thank you from me and especially from Kevin," and stepping down off the stage.

After the ceremony had finished my family went on to the reception/party we had set up months before. All of my friends and I went in on it together, and we had made place cards for everyone and their families. I took one look at the empty place next to mine, as well as the empty places next to my family, and fled that smelly overcrowded hall.

Which leaves me here, sitting on my bed wondering how different I would feel now if I had waited for Kevin that fateful night. Yes, I definitely regret going.

A/N2: Thank you to everyone who reviewed! To those of you who said there wasn't enough action, that's sort of what I'm going for. This is Beth's emotions, not the actual events taking place. If you're looking for a Beth centered fic with action check out Beth Prier's "A Life Worth Living". (Oh, hope putting that in was okay.)

**To Beth Prier (SP) thank you for reviewing this! **


	6. Captured Moments

Disclaimer: I still don't own these characters. If I did I probably wouldn't be a lowly junior in high school now would I.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait, school started last month and that kept me really busy. Plus my laptop isn't working so I can no longer receive email on the account listed on the web site which means I can't receive my reviews without checking the site. Reviews are so important in keeping me writing that I just quit. But I'm back, and while this isn't my best chapter it's something to get me back into writing.

Captured Moments

It's summer now. The days blend together, all of them the same. Mostly I sit in my room looking at pictures and remembering. I see Kevin in most of the shots, baseball in hand as he runs, arms up as he blocks a basket, arm around my shoulders as we smile and pose.

There are pictures of just me as well. In one I am standing on a bench outside of the high school wearing a green skirt and white top. The wind is obviously blowing, you can see my hair is being thrust into my face, and I am smiling. It isn't one of those, "Say cheese," smiles, it is a smile that says I was truly happy at that moment in time. That is the general theme in almost all of the pictures we have of me. Whether I was standing alone or with a group of friends I always looked happy. I wonder if I will ever feel that happy again.

And then there are my graduation pictures, we got them back a week after the ceremony. I wish my parents hadn't bothered to capture that day, it isn't one I want to remember. In every picture my face is shadowed, the smile looks as though whatever staples are holding it in place are going to come out at any moment. And they are only pictures of me, there was no one to pose with. Before this wouldn't have bothered me, before it had nothing to do with the fact that I had no friends. Now it seems blaringly obvious that I, Beth Reinheart, have become a loner.

One afternoon I lined three pictures up on my dresser. First was the picture of me on the bench at school, then came one of Kevin and me after some dance or other, and finally came one of my graduation pictures. I sat and stared at them for several hours captivated by the difference in the third picture. These pictures more than anything show how much things have changed in just a month.

A/N2: Please review! That'll help me get things written faster. Also, if you know how to delete an old account on could you email me? (kea anderson cox. Net) Don't put the spaces in there and you'll get me.

Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, Your praise and constructive crit are greatly appreciated!


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